Today

Throughout our infertility I have remained very guarded of my emotions, when we would experience a loss or setback I’d rarely cry.  I’d just focus on what was next. We couldn’t change our crappy fate with tears.  We walked through the darkness of our failures thinking we would have to find the light eventually.  I didn’t think it had the power to break me….until the day it did.

            My nurse called late, I could tell by her tone it was bad news…again.  She told me my blood test revealed that this pregnancy, my third, also did not look like it would be viable and to prepare for the worst.  She paused, waiting for me to cry and ask questions.  I didn’t, I wasn’t new to this type of news.  Instead I got angry. 

            I got angry when my husband asked if there was still hope.  I got angry when my mother told me to let myself grieve.  I got angry at it all.  Can God not hear all of the people praying for us?  Can he not hear my prayers?  Maybe he can but he doesn’t care, maybe he is punishing us for something we have done.  Worst of all, maybe he isn’t real, maybe my lifelong faith has been an elaborate lie to myself.  Broken.

            Boy did HE make me eat my words.  Two weeks later my husband and I saw our baby’s heart beat for the very first time.  Two weeks later our baby defied all odds and lived.  On Christmas we were able to tell our families that they would grow by one.  Today I get to tell you that this summer my husband will be a father.  After 5 IVFs, 2 losses, and a long journey later I get to tell you- I will be a mother after all.

Glory to God.